feeling whole and hollow

I pour my heart out in writing. I learn what I think as I write. I don’t think I know any other way. I am tipsy, with my feelings barely at bay because of the alcohol. I am flawed. I am human. I love and I hurt, I write and I process. I hurt. I am hurting. Most days I am fine and then the days I am not come tumbling down over me. This is life. That’s what I am learning, that I have to take it one moment at a time, one day at a time.

Breathing stops, time slows down and it seems like the present moment stretches forever, like the weight and the hole inside my chest is perpetually going to be there, hindering progress, hindering happiness and fulfillment. I am hopeless and somehow hopeful for tomorrow. Because I remember my friends, I remember I want to inspire people and I remember that I have been here before and survived. I see my friends’ faces and I see how they are important and how I am important in their lives. I see how life is worth living even though it hurts, even though I forget how to breathe, even though we all wonder at times if it is really worth it.

When I am tipsy like now I seem to think clearer and that scares me. It frightens me because there’s too much alcoholism history in my family. My luxury is that my friends, my chosen family, are going to be there for me. I hear my pulse in my temples as I see all your faces one by one: people I love, people who care about me across countries and oceans, people who help me keep it together without knowing you do. Thank you!

I am grateful and incredibly blessed.

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