one step at a time

It is so easy to pass judgement on someone else’s life and actions. It is easy to say “here, this is what you should do, this is the path you ought to take. It’s so simple and obvious, why are you not doing it?”

And maybe it is simple and obvious. To you. But to me, to me – the one that is sitting in the sea of fear and insecurity, this big haul of incertitude and denial, to me – it is not that simple and obvious. To me, every step I take is filled with never-ending possibilities of failure and pain. Every path I think of taking, has its own way of transforming in Pandora’s box unleashing all the evil and all the stupid there in the world of my soul.

And the funny thing is, you’re not helping me, you’re never helping. While you are trying to help extending a friendly hand, with a tad of impatience, what I see is you lording over me your perfect life, your perfect decisions and your perfect track record in making perfect decisions.

And it is sad, because you are not perfect, you’ve had moments exactly like mine. I don’t know about them, because you’ve never told, but you’ve had them and that’s why now you want to help.

You know what would help me?

Telling me it’s okay to feel like that, that you trust me to have my own way, that you know it hurts and that if I really want to be alone, you’ll let me, but you’d rather be with me because you love me and that is what friends do, they’re there for you.

It sounds incredibly sad and emotional, and it is, but this is what we do when we try to help, and this is what some people feel when you’re giving them the answer they are not ready for. Sometimes it really does wonders to be authoritative with people and stop them from making mistakes, but sometimes – most of the time – it suffices to just be.

I’ll get on the right path for me at my own pace, I don’t need pushing, I don’t need shoving, I don’t need patronizing. I need hugs and love and the certainty that I will always have my friend. Let’s all be the friend that says “It’s fine, I’ve been there, it hurts and I am here for you.” or “I can’t imagine how much that hurts, I’ve never been in that situation, but I am truly here for you.”

If I am indeed headed on a path that harms me, as awful as it sounds and as it is to watch, I need to be there, it will teach me something. It will teach you something as well. It will teach you that no matter how close you are to me, no matter how much you love me, I need no saving from myself, nor should you try to “save me”. I need to be and to experience, even if that means letting myself get hurt, have bruises, lose confidence. When you break bones, they say they grow stronger. In the same way the confidence once lost, when regained it is much truer. The heart once broken, expands and finds itself more spacious, eager to hold what life is: happiness, disappointment, love, fear, pleasure, frustration, and all the other quirks that make life so painfully enjoyable.

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