do we want to be them, or do we want to heal?

In my short life, I have reached the conclusion that the most complex relationship a person can have is the one with parents and children respectively.

Then the second most complex is the one we have with our life partners.

I am saying this because it seems to be a recurrent theme all around me.

I see happy adults that have a good and healthy relationship with their parents and they also have a healthy approach toward romantic involvement and I see adults that cannot be in a healthy relationship and it suffices to look a bit in their past to see how it all links. Of course, there are exceptions, but I am not discussing the exceptions here.

I am no Freud (and he has been combated many times in his theories), but I can still see what impact our childhood and teen years have had on someone’s development, especially if the interactions with the parents have been filled with miscommunication, distrust, disrespect and hard feelings.

We can end up hating our parents and eventually making the same mistakes they did – either with our children or with other types of relationships – and that is usually because the story between us and them is not finished. We still have something to learn. It can be our need for approval because we never got it from them, our need to be loved because we never felt worthy, our need to be respected and heard because we felt like we had no voice. Irrespective of the reason, we still need something from that relationship, that one something that makes us feel less than complete. The only problem is that is that one big situation is not solved and worked through, we cannot really be emotionally functional people.

There are of course ways of dealing with situations like that. If you are one of the lucky, you’ll discover that your parents know as well that you need healing and they try to accompany you in the process (these are the parents that realise they should solve their differences with their parents as well). If you are not so lucky, you will have to deal with it yourself, maybe through therapy, maybe by discussing it with your best friends, maybe a combination of the two. Either way, the key is to deal, not let it simmer till it finally boils and your bottled emotions burst like a gum bubble and what is left is the lump and the deflated, sad and deformed chewed up gum.

Seek help on the internet even, write to people, use reddit (or read blogs and reach out to the author – wink, wink). My point is, there will always be someone with a similar story and with time the burden will be a little bit easier to bear. Reach out, talk it out, sport it out, try to make peace and find happiness.

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